Funky

My apologies for the lack of posts lately! I was about to say I don't know how that happened but that is a lie. I know exactly what happened. I got all funky. Contemplative, introspective, a little down, out of whack...anybody relate? I kept wanting to write what I was feeling but I couldn't really form eloquent thoughts. It started with a completely botched conversation with a friend and led to lots of self-reflection. Add to that a full weekend of class and the intensity at work ramping up from about a 3 to an 8 on the intensity-dial, and you have a head full of scrambled eggs.  I'm still sorting it all out but lucky for you readers I've returned to posting...though I'm sure the upcoming posts will not be quite as lighthearted as ice cream toppings.

I'm realizing that counseling school has a tendency to make you straight up paranoid about how you interact with people.  There's constantly a list going through your head of what to say, what not to say, body posture, deeper meaning, etc. Kinda makes you want to just shut up most of the time.  So when a conversation with a friend goes south, it leaves any counselor-in-training reeling. But my first concern should not be whether I accurately reflected, but rather, did I treat my friend with love? Did I reflect Christ? Did I speak in love, seek to understand, put myself in their shoes? In this case, no. My defenses went up, and I wanted to be heard. At all costs.

I spent the weekend with Larry Crabb. If you haven't heard of him or read his books, google him. Amazing. The class was on spiritual direction.  He kept driving home the point that spiritual direction is having a good conversation where you eventually discover someone's central battle. The best way I can describe our central battle is the thing that we are most wanting and searching for. Everything we do is centered around this desire.  After thinking through my core battle and my core terror and the defenses I put up to protect myself against them, I was feeling pretty vulnerable. And I realized how I put up defenses in every conversation to be seen, understood, or noticed, and appear competent, interesting, or even spiritual. And it's pretty sad that my defenses get in the way of my communicating with friends and even with God. But unless there's a hole for me to crawl into, communication must go on. While getting a glimpse of my sin is painful, it definitely keeps me dependent on God. And oh so thankful for His redemption. I will definitely be processing these thoughts more in the days to come, but for now, you have snippet of where I've been.